Entry #1

"There's a pigeon in the bathroom." I awoke at 3am to find a dirty bird standing on our bathroom's window sill. I stared at him and the trail of shit that he had left cascading down the loose bathroom tiles we had left strewn across the ledge. He no longer had a purple-green iridescence and looked like he recently recovered from an Alaskan oil spill and a fight with a seagull. After a moment of mutual consideration I instinctually began to formulate how I would exterminate him. I had often envisioned and prepared myself for my chance encounter with one of the Christmas rats that lived under our floorboards and the tragedy of my frying pan striking his head. It would be an ugly necessity. But I never imagined this back alley meeting with the perptually cooing neighbors. Perhaps a plastic grocery bag. Fortunately he casually stepped through the burglar bars and ducked under the 3-inch window gap like any embarassed man who had accidentally stepped into the wrong bathroom line. I frantically perched myself on top of the toilet seat trying to close our dust-covered, gnat-encrusted window. Using all of the tensile strength that the tips of my fingers could generate I pushed on the 3-year-old opened window, constantly switching the lock left-right-middle. His tail feathers were still sticking through the window. He could enter again at any time and coo me to death or if I did succeed in closing the window his tail and scream would be stuck and I would be forced to deal with 3/4 of an angry bird. But with all of the thrashing and cursing about, he flew away. I hope he comes back.

Soundtrack

Update: Entry #2
Two days later a mangey mouse was spotted on the stove, inside the saucepan and way too close to Heather's head. Soon enough the homeless will be in my bed wearing my socks.