Dirt Bike Annie

Me wearing all blue was a coincidence, not an attempt to match the bike

This is a story about my bike. Though I have always been a fan of alternative modes of transport, more specifically non-emission/self-propelled types, my compulsion and impulsion to buy a bike was based on nothing more than glaring aesthetics and stereotypes. On my frequent trips to my summer share in Bushwick, I would pass the display of gleaming refurbished bikes sold on the street corner from the inside of a trailer. I envisioned myself somewhere between a pretentious banana seat-riding hipster and a low-riding Shygirl hitting the handlebars with my knees while cruising the streets of East LA.

After much capricious contemplation and sampling the 2-person bike and other lesser yet more monetarily sound options, I threw down one weeks worth of rent. The bike peddler kept reminding me that he would be happy to buy the bike back from me at anytime since these frames were hard to find and he detected that hipsterish glint of unknowing nostalgia in my eye.

It is 1 speed, of which is determined by my monstrous flipper of a foot; it has a 24” frame which is similar to biking around in a folding chair; I have yet to master the footbrakes and insist on stopping Fred Flintstone style; and overall I just never learned how to properly ride or control a bike. Despite these minor fallbacks, I see no impracticalities of making this my preferred means of transport. I’m excited to arrive at bars 1 hour late, dripping with sweat with 28 inches of chain padlocked around my waist.

Back in my driving days I always followed my own alleyway shortcuts that I insisted were much faster than the arbitrarily placed highways and lined roads. Of course driving through flowerbeds and frat house lawns was actually a hindrance, yet I preferred this constant forward movement as opposed to having the patience to discover and wait in the line that leads down the direct road. My beautiful new bike will allow me to continue this illusion of progress. Should I wait for the F train or take the initiative to ride my bike to Harlem? As long as my mind is occupied and I am able to carve my own path amongst the pedestrians, buildings and oncoming traffic, it doesn’t matter that an unplanned square route is not simplest way to my destination. But oh, the sense of accomplishment gained that I relied on nothing but myself and my folding chair on wheels to exhaustively reach my goal.

Please stay tuned for my predicted future post “Alexa’s Run in with the Door.” Other potential topics: “Sarah Gets a Summons (aka Kids Aren’t People)”

Of primates and ipods

As stated by a few commentors, I am lazy. Actually my stapler has not angered me as of late, the weather is turning nice and any more talk of Lucinda would just be creepy. Therefore, I have only been motivated to eat candy and stare into space. However, I predict that an astroid will strike my brain soon and kill all of the dinosaurs within, and blogging prolificity will ensue. In the interim to keep at least keep the pulse of my blog alive this is my very first nonesensical, op-ed piece pleading to the newspaper known as Sergio L.

We have effectively stopped natural selection as we have known it for eons and eons. My existence is definitely evidence that survival of the fittest stopped when we defeated the monkeys and Cro-Magnons in the Great Monkey War. I’ve included other proof of how humans have now stagnated, until the aliens show their faces and spur us to do something about it. This is also why I received a D in the evolution portion of my degree as opposed to the C+ in the other 2 areas. I developed my understanding and theories based more upon US Weekly rather than Darwin’s “Origin of the Species.”

(5) Everyone seems to pop out all of these babies with their appendix intact and still non-functional. We no longer eat rocks or animals while their hearts are still beating, so it’s time that this vestigial golf ball was spring cleaned from our collective body. Match.com needs to include the question “Has your appendix ruptured or, better yet, were you born without one.” Those are the real leaders of the world.

(4) I have asthma and 20/1030 vision, yet am still able to provide shelter, food and a means for life for myself. If we were still adhering to the law of nature, I wouldn’t be allowed to thrive past the first trimester. My mom’s uterus would have detected my flawed karyotype and tossed me down the tubes with the other bad eggs just like Veruca Salt. Maybe it is still working through social awkwardness and a dateless lifestyle.

(3) So many elderly. The geriatric population is surpassing the youth population in countries that are supposedly advanced. Often people say that language separates us from the animals. Philosophically, yes. Biologically there is more - bipedialism, opposable thumbs, and nursing homes. Humans are the only species that allow their members who have passed reproductive age to survive much less play an integral part in society. Although most people would argue that caging grandma in an old folks home is not really letting her live to her full potential, but we let her live and give us money. Is that not enough? If we were an efficient society we would not supersede our carrying capacity with these burdens and waste precious resources and technology to produce Craftmatic adjustable beds and phones with extra large number pads.

(2) The acceptance of the homosexual lifestyle as a suitable alternative to heterosexuality is wrong. It is an evolutionary dead end. Once we stop seeing homosexuals as stereotypical court jesters, they will be allowed to be removed from indefinite foster parent status and may even proliferate their own genes. Soon Carson and Jack will breed with Rosie and Ellen, thereby creating super gays who will have no inclination towards propagation of the population. Since they do not inherently posses the need for offspring or family, we are heading into a world of sex-fueled parties or eternal Blockbuster nights, gay and lesbian worlds respectively.

But you know, if being gay is wrong, I don’t wanna be right. (Alexa takes a swig from her scotch, winks at the crowd, and is immediately pulled off stage by a large hook stage left)

(1) The elevation of bobble-headed celebrity as the female archetype is a key reason why the earth will cease to spin in the near future. However, their alpha male counterpart does adhere to Darwinian beef-hunk body types. But come on, we all know that females are the actual Johnny Appleseeds of the earth. This is damaging for the obvious reason that even the Atkins diet plan is healthier than the starvation/purging weight management program. Physically, this new ideal resembles the unhealthy chick that is kicked out of the nest rather than the robust phenotype that decides which sickly runts will be tossed aside. This chick analogy is more than an analogy; it’s an accurate description (see: Calista Flockhart’s face, Laura Flynn Boyle’s body). Additionally, this inserts all that is unattainable and superficial into our heads, thereby turning our brains into cotton candy and our pursuits into frivolous, mind-numbing endeavours, but that’s a little too sociological, so impertinent to this argument. Keep dreaming of Hummers and Biggie Size drinks, it’s fine.

I know what the readers are thinking, “But Professor Alexa, we have created a new world and therefore new rules apply within this framework.” You’re right. The point of our lives is no longer to roost and birth an entire village, that’s so Donna Reed 1950s. I suppose since we have dominated all other organisms, extant or extinct, we’ll just battle nature itself. Well done comrades! I think we have succeeded.-